Non Il fine del mondo

Okay I had officially pulled the plug off the dating site and erased all the men in my 'Who's Interested?' in-tray and hid my profile from the rest of the world. I'm going to wean myself off it before it devours me whole. It was like a freakin' bad drug feeding my ego so high and dry, and letting me down in a horrible downward spiral. In the end, I felt worse as my being tuned into their amplified loneliness, pain, hopes, fears and rejection. No one told me it'd leave a sour taste.

The consolation was at least I got to know myself better, having chewed over my 'Personal Ad' and affirmed that I'm indeed a silly sentimental and loyal fool who formed attachments too quickly and easily. I have to learn how to rid of my expectations and let be. Cazzo, ho bisogno di una sigaretta ora.

You turn a blind eye
but you still see
pain is in the heart
where it bleeds
cry and be happy
hold onto life and don't let go
I pray for my sanity and yours
disbelieve in what you don't
want to see if seeing's believing
in a bitter sweet encounter that sours
at an untimely place and hour.

~Carl 1998~

Gli uomini scari

I think I'm obessed with monitoring the dating site and studying the pattern that is developing here. The mean age was dragged down by a 69 year-old divorcee whom I quoted "have all my own teeth and hair and am ageing gracefully... I'm looking for a much younger, attractive, personable, intelligent lady who is a good conversationalist who might be willing to give me a child."

Another 45 year-old American said (IN CAPS AGAIN) "IS NON-FEARING, GENTLE, LOVING, BISEXUAL,CARING... LOOKING FOR MY ASIAN COMPANION WHO IS REAL,DOWN TO EARTH,SWEET,CLEAN,THOUGHTFUL AND SINCERE / YUMMY / LIKES TO COOK / KEEPS THINGS CLEAN / [ A GIVER - NOT A TAKER ] / ONE WHO NEVER EVER TALKS BACK AND IS ALWAYS KIND TO ME / WHO IS VERY FEMININE. I LOVE LONG HAIR / WHO IS A BIT SUBMISSIVE/ YOUNG THIN TO AVRG. BUILD / OPEN MINDED WILLING TO TRY ALLMOST ANYTHING ONCE / A LITTLE NAUGHTY / LIKES ADULT FUN / JUST A REALLY COOL ASIAN GIRL WHO IS FUN AND EASY TO HANG WITH AND TREATS HER MAN OOOOH SO GOOD!! MY ASIAN ANGEL." Dude. You need a slave.

Then there was the 53 year-old divorcee from Netherlands - "I'm looking for a representative, good looking, slim, feminine dressed Asian wife with a dark brown skin, short or long haired, between 2 and 8 feet."

Ok I'm really afraid to laugh because I think karma will bite me back in the arse. Somehow I feel sorry for a lot of them and at the same time for myself. What the fuck am I doing? Porca miseria. This is fucking pathetic. I'm pulling the plug.

Gratitude sickness

Woah, a quick check revealed over 50 men on the 'Who's Interested In Me' list. The mean age was still hovering around 50 but luckily there had been a few younger dudes including a 31 year-old African-American guy from Florida and a 26 year-old medical student from Washington - looking for someone "who likes lots of exciting, passionate and adventurous sex.. can we be two horny rabbits together?" Hmm. Cage me please. P.S in case you were wondering - I hadn't replied to ANYONE!

I was just lamenting to F about the number of people especially locals who'd describe themselves as 'simple and nice'. "Hi, I'm a simple and honest guy looking for... / Hi' I'm just a easygoing simple girl... etc" There are like thousands of adjectives one can use, so I didn't really grasp why the fu%k they want to call themselves 'simple'. Who the hell wants anyone simple? And nice is such a lame term -you can call me witty, adventurous, even bitchy but please don't say 'nice'. F retorted 'Aiya, simple people want simple people - they belong together.' Simple as that.

Yesterday our ALOFQ (A Lot of Food Quickly) group had a tapas-themed fiesta at M & E's casa and I was quite happy with my patate tortilla (potato omelette). The food was molto delizioso as usual, from M's pillow-soft tuna croquettes with aioli and N's asaparagus wrapped with bacon to C's fideua (seafood paella made with fideos angel-hair pasta - think Spanish hokkien mee). C bought me a packet of cute Amorini pasta curls and aged mozzarella cheese from his recent NY trip (mucha gracias) while Q also gave me a packet of dried porcini funghi from Italia - I couldn't wait to cook them with my organic risotto.

I love Sundays; it is always a good day for sleeping in and quiet contemplation. I like to hole myself up in my bedroom and filter my feelings and thoughts for the week. On a particular evening this week, I was in one of those greedy-self-pitying-I-want-more-now moods and so today I've reminded myself to be grateful for all the things in my life. Despite the occasional pangs of frustrations and numbness of boredom, I am grateful for the roof over my head (even if it means living with my parents), to be grateful for the material comforts (and being able to afford my 31st pair of shoes), to be thankful for the wonderful friends I've known (and how we have grown!), to be fortunate to be doing what I enjoy (and getting to work at 10.30am!) and to love my 3 cats and enjoy their warm snuggle in bed. Purrr...

Gnomes exist

Ok the results' out - the tally of men on my page came up to 40; the mean age 50 including a most bizzare Australian whose message was "hi, I'm a 4ft 5 gnome with some facial warts, a limp - well one leg actually - 3 fingers missing, no teeth and a two-inch... do you think we could go out sometime?" My reply to him was "I'm surprised gnomes still exist. Do you have a 2-inch nose? I can see it growing... what's the question again?" I really didn't see his point (pun intended) - do you?

My latest entry was a 45 year-old divorced farmer from UK who said IN CAPS: "IM LOOKING FOR A VERY GOOD LOOKING, SLIM LOVING, SEXY AND LOVELY HAIR, LOOKS AFTER HERSELF, ALLWAYS LOOKS GOOD. SHE MUST BE UNDERSTANDING BUT MOST OF ALL VERY CAREING. I HOPE THIS IS NOT TO MUCH TO ASK FROM YOU." Err dude if you find her, let me know. Or get a reality check - it's easier.

Today I got fantastico news from Elena in Milano; she has given birth to Paolo and sent me a gorgeous picture of them. Lui e' bellissimo e non vedo l'ora di vedergli. Sono la sua zia asiana. Hehe. It's amazing how life has turned out within the last year for us. I'm glad that we are still in touch - from a chance encounter in Sicilia - and our friendship has grown from the weekly emails we sent each other. She was probably my best link to Italia... grazie Elena, congratulazioni di nuovo!

I also got an letter from Katie last month and she has made a lovely card with the picture I took of her sleeping blissful in the hammock as the golden sunrays shone down on us and glittered across the autum-brown yard at Barbialla Nuova in Toscana. She looked like an angel in heaven, eyes closed and face smiling. If I held my breath, I could almost smell the crisp air and hear the leaves rustling in the breeze. Autumn has arrived and the weather should be changing soon. Ah, the joys of seasons.

Lorenzo also replied to say he'd be moving to Roma to work and pursue his studies along with Ciro, the sweetest German shepherd I've ever met. When I was working on the farm, it'd follow me everywhere and keep me company, staring at me pensively and reading my thoughts sympathetically. Lori said my Italian has improved vastly (grazie!) and he was sure we'd be speaking in perfetto italiano next year while Ciro barked in Roman dialect.

Martine from Quebec also surprised me with an email updating on her many travel adventures. I was pretty sure one day she'd come knocking on my door and we could go galivanting again like we did at the Eolian isles. Hmm... Merda. My backside is aching again and I could feel the wanderlust nibbling at me. Help!

Law of Cooking

Hoo-pee! Fantastico news! I'm one step closer to realising one of my dreams - that is to have my own cooking show! Last week, I hosted a content producer from a top site here at lunch recently and volunteered my recipes for their Wine & Dine section, hinting desperately at the possibility of my own segment 'The Law Of Cooking'. A) She must be damn tickled or B) the oysters must have a hallucinating effect, because she actually said yes! So your friend here, ah-hem, will be having her mini-series of video-podcasts - yay! *cartwheels and somersaults* Ooh after this, I'll work on the cable channels, book deals and products endorsements!

F and P had happily agreed to lend me their show kitchen provided I wash up and they get to eat after that, plus a starring role at the same time. I told them if the producer allows, F will be my sous chef and P the ah-neh dishwasher. *Hsyterical LOL (ok very mean, sorry)*

Being their maid-of-honour (I'm always honourable), I'd need to be presentable at the church wedding and dinner so these occasions call for a proper bridesmaid's dress and splendid sari. After lunch at Komala's, F's in-laws and we went hunting in Little India, one of my favourite places in Spore for the sensational sights, smells and sounds - from the crowded streets to saris and spices. With Deepavali just around the corner, Little India couldn't be prettier with its many proud peacocks litting up the main road.

The first shop threw up some lovely gold embroidered choices ranging from $250 & above, way out of our budget. We crossed over to the shopkeeper's son-in-law's shop and headed upstairs where the best were stashed away. Sari-shopping is an art on its own and as such an eye-opener. The shelves were impossibly stacked with thousands of fabrics in varying hues and patterns, the counters swarm with layers of unfolded designs and everyone was eyeing one another's choices in the crowded space.

We told the sales guy our preferred colours and he'd whip out a few options then branished them one by one like a magic shining cape across his shoulders while standing on a stool for added height. Everytime he did that, a sale was made. Who could resist all of them? Soooo gorgeous... everything I also said 'bellissima'!

F founded her day and evening sari - both exquisite and within her budget, while I gave in to a $150 royal pink and luminating green sari intricately sequinned, beaded and threaded. We bought armfuls of matching bangles and earrings to complete our Bollywood ensembles. Ooh, I couldn't wait for December.

Siamo i figli del mondo

Yay, good news! After a week since I got my profile 'Carla' up on the dating site, I received 12 "Interested" notices including:
- a 57 year-old American ah peh whose email was titled 'Pizza Pizza!' - probably the only italian words he knew
- a 51 year-old Nicaraguarian divorcee living in Hawaii who "loves to laugh and make you laugh"
- a 37 year-old Syrian who's a separatee in UAE seeking "nice good she big hart happy"
- a 32 year-old Sporean separatee/ storekeeper-driver who "dont mind me smoke, light drinker and low education"
- 21 year-old Pakistani whose English was 'fluent', saying "I wante agood friend for hole life"

Hmmm. This afternoon, I logged in to find 5 more men in their 40s seeking their 'princess'. Great - where's my prince? With a new sassy bob in place, I loaded a refreshed picture and description (si, that's what a haircut can do!). Believe it or not, over the weekend, I actually chewed over my personal ad and here's what I had come up with:

Largely 95% optimist/ 5% depressive cynic-skeptic seeking soulmate to travel the world and walk the unbeaten path. Not afraid to speak her mind and indulge her inner child, she likes to poke fun at herself and bring out the laugh lines in others. Adept at embracing ambiguity, loves to be challenged for the sake of personal growth but is also a sentimental fool and traditionalist at heart who values nostalgia. Believes to possess strong emotional strength but also susceptible to extreme PMS outbursts to which only potato chips and chocolate are her cure. Logical and calm yet nonsensical and corny. Focused yet flexible. Trusting yet instinctive and affectionate yet independent - like a cat - who happens to be addicted to Lambrusco and sfogiatelle. An aspiring artist/ writer/ photographer/ poet/ linguist/ chef waiting for her cheerleader who believes in her new motto "Everything's possible - just because I can and I want."

Ok, don't be silly; I didn't actually load ALL the above - I think some men might not digest it. But then again, I was not looking for SOME men. At 31, I'm proud to say I'm really happy to be where I am now - having survived my 20s of identity crisis. Looking back, you'd realise you're not THAT fat afterall and all the silly mistakes you regretted are just silly. Experiences, good or bad, simply makes you a better stronger person. And when you leave this world, you should leave it as a better place for others who will be inspired by your legacy of achievements and memories.

We all have the power to change ourselves and only then, will we be able to help others and the world. To start with, I think the world would be a better place if we all adopt small changes to benefit ourselves, others, animals or the environment. Some suggestions:
- Walk more
- Use less plastic
- Read more
- Consume less
- Adopt an animal
- Smile at strangers
- Watch less TV
- Speak up

See, no membership is required! Step out and sign up now :)

Slow food per favore

Bored out of my mind and raring to fill up my social calendar, I was quite intrigued when my friend told me of a certain dating website where she had attracted lots of 'hits'. So yesterday I filled up my profile page just for laughs (who knows right?). I submitted this picture of me in Krabi but was rejected by the webmaster - bloody hell - turned out I must submit a proper mugshot (wah lao, pai-seh man).

But that also got me thinking - how do I describe myself without sounding lame? Fun-loving, independent, creative soul looking for like-minded mates? (Don't laugh!!) Looking for guys who are kind, intelligent, fun and curious about the world. Psychos/rapists/serial killers need not apply! So my fellow friends, if you want to help me, please describe me and my 'dream guy' in your own words (you know where to reach me). I wanna hear you out and see where I stand in the popularity poll.

Anyway I just finished an excellent book titled "Fast Food Nation" which is a fascinating expose of the industry. To quote the author Eric Schlosser, I wholeheartedly agreed that in the new century, if we want to co-exist and benefit from each other without butchering our planet, "brands should be regional, diverse, authentic, true to their roots, sustainable and humble"... "this new century may bring an impatience with conformity, a refusal to be kept in the dark, less greed, more compassion, less speed, more common sense, a sense of humour about brand essences and loyalties, a view of food as more than just fuel. Things dont have to be the way they are." Hear hear. Go read it.