Essere o non

To be or not to be... I remembered being single for the longest time during my 20s and so wanted a relationship that I jumped in wholeheartedly when I met someone I fancied a lot for the first time in my life at 27. We were inseparable and I forgot what it was like to be single, independent, to have a life of my own - to do and say what I want. After 2 years which culminated into a destructive, abusive ending, I found myself thrown back into singletonhood. Which I was equally grateful and resentful of.

It was like a dirty word - single. Singled out. I was suddenly afraid of being alone. Plus coping with the aftermath of a emotional meltdown didn't do much for my morale and self-esteem. Paranoia and anxiety attacks almost ate me up, as I found myself a nervous wreck sobbing uncontrollably on the train home. Counselling didn't help and I knew I had to confront and conquer my own demons my way.

So I packed my bags for a 12-week solo journey to do battle with every single shitty fear imaginable - flying alone, sleeping alone, eating alone, travelling alone, getting lost alone but also ultimately finding myself on my own terms. It was a calling that left me more empowered and wiser than ever.

This year as I celebrated almost 3 years of singlehood (oh god, a born-again virgin!), I couldn't be happier to be where I am now. Si, I am still glaringly single among my many married friends but I'm glad that I'm no desperado. Yet. I see lots of people get sucked into compromising relationships because they are afraid to be on their own, and love and respect themselves first. They turn to others for the wrong kind of assurance and approval, and end up being unkind to themselves; caught in a vicious circle.

Sure, everyone wants to love and be loved but secondo me, I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves first before taking the leap, si o non? Looking back, I realised I dated a few losers who including 'Run Randy' who asked me to lose weight when I wasn't fat (I dropped him like a hat days later). And Jason who hinted to me that his ex girlfriend lost a lot of weight on a diet of cigarettes and coffee alone (asking me to give up food, siao!). There was also 'Z' whom I ran into recently, still as charming but as lost. I never regretted breaking up with him.

And to think the last hellish relationship would turn me into a nun for good, I took the liberty to organise a 'Traffic Stopper' festa last month to kickstart my foray back into the dating scene. Va bene, it didn't went as well as we'd like (15 single women to 3 single+ 2 married+ 1 gay men) but we're pressing ahead with another sizzling 'Viva Cuba!' fiesta this week (never give up, mai!). At my last count, RSVP came up to almost 40 - ooh hoo. I will def say it again - may the best man win! :)